Dear Diary; Purchased products from my all-night shop-fest have finally been arriving. The Snuggie is nice, but too warm for this season. The ShamWOWs smell funny (and I haven’t even peed on them yet), so I doubt I’ll be keeping them. And the WaxVac is on backorder – which really sucks, because I wanted to …
Category Archives: General
3/28/13
Dear Diary; Everyone’s gone down to the main office for Holy Thursday services, but I faked sick so they let me stay home (woohoo!). I don’t wanna be around to watch Jorge today; he’s such a big fat show-off… All by myself for the first time in I can’t remember how long! Spent the afternoon …
3/27/13
Dear Diary; Hoveround Power Chair arrived yesterday. The delivery guy was pretty funny – he didn’t think it was really me until I showed him my smashed up ring that I wear under my shirt on a chain around my neck. This chair is the freaking BALLS – especially with the dashboard Jesus on the handlebars …
3/26/13
Dear Diary; I AM ROCKING THESE PAJAMA JEANS! I probably shoulda ordered the bootcut (they would have been more flattering on my pear shape) and I gotta get used to handling them in the men’s room (no zipper…), but I love how they’re snug and yet not confining. Nice cheek lift too; even Sister Mary …
3/24/13
Dear Diary; Invited Jorge over for lunch yesterday. He was late, having stood outside the gate for 45 minutes chatting up the locals and having his fucking ring kissed. I got him back by eating all the shrimp poppers off the hors d’œuvre tray, which gave me gas so bad it would have gagged a …
3/22/13
Dear Diary; The bad news: I was up all last night from being so embarrassed about the see-through yoga pants debacle. The good news: I am replacing them with Pajama Jeans. I ordered three pairs (once they assured me that a size 14 would provide a roomy enough inseam), which should arrive in time for …
3/21/13
Dear Diary; Got a RECALL NOTICE today from the company that manufactures my yoga pants. Turns out you can see clear through them, naughty bits and all. Fucknuts… Note to self: send back yoga pants. Second note to self: start wearing undies under yoga pants.
3/20/13
Dear Diary; Spent yesterday afternoon watching the inaguration. Such a difference: eight years ago, I was standing on a stage in the sweltering sun wearing the itchiest garb you could imagine, for what seemed like days. Honest to shit, even my shorts were driving me freaking nuts – and I could feel tiny beads of …
3/18/17
Dear Diary; Spoke with Jorge last night about those spontaneous walks through the streets. It’s wreaking havoc with the Swiss Guard, who asked me to have a word with him about it. Turns out he doesn’t see what the big deal is. Says it’s making him wildly popular, and that he wants to be known …
3/17/13
Dear Diary; The sisters woke up early this morning all excited about their Saint Patrick’s Day present: a green tee shirt that reads, KISS ME I’M IRISH. Seriously??? First off, I’m not Irish, you stupid bitches. Second, I ain’t gonna wear it (polyester blends makes me itchy). Third, no one gives St. Patrick’s day presents; …