Dear Diary; New iPhone arrived today! Already uploaded my Zumba playlist and all my eBooks; now installing iRosary, iConfess, Prostate Pal and Zombie Gunship II. Also installing Words With Friends so I can take on Monsignor Allegretti, the current Vatican champ who beat the snot out of Mother Mahoney last week by successfully challenging her spelling …
Category Archives: General
3/1/13
Dear Diary; Less than 24 hours in and this place is already making me crazy. My mattress totally sucks and they only packed my itchy pajamas. Every time I crack open Fifty Shades of Grey, those asswipes at the office call with another question. The sisters won’t leave me the fuck alone, Wi-Fi is practically non-existent and they …
2/28/13
Dear Diary; I am OUTTA HERE! Getting ready for the copter ride that will fly me off to my vacay for a few months. Even though it’s really not a vacation: the stupid-ass contractors need more time, so they’re shipping me off. Turds… Besides, everyone thinks it would be best for me to be out of …
2/27/13
Dear Diary; Last day on the job. Wearing my yoga pants under my vestments while they push me around St. Pete’s for my official goodbye. Fuck ’em if they don’t like it. What are they gonna do: fire me? Glad those individual meetings with my cardinals are over. Such high maintenance bitches! NO, I can’t …
2/26/13
Dear Diary; DWTS cast announcements today – can’t freaking wait! Now that I don’t have to share television time with the house staff or have my programs censored by those turds over at Vatican TV, I can watch whatever the hell I want. Reading my TIVO instructions right now. I also ordered the entire Bond …
2/25/13
Dear Diary; Spending the day signing documents, handing in the keys, posing for photos and tying up the loose ends before Thursday. Starting to feel like I’m in the way. This morning, I saw the WELCOME POPE (fill in name here)!! sign hanging over my desk… They also moved my stuff over to the new house …
2/24/13
Dear Diary; Yoga pants arrived today. Can’t believe how comfortable these babies are! Wore them under my vestment to the final Sunday blessing this morning. Since I was standing at the window, no one out there had a freaking clue! Although I could hear Monsignor Merloni chortling behind me; he says they make my ass …
2/22/13
Dear Diary: Food poisoning – from my freaking retirement dinner! Grazie a Dio that stupid bitch of a cook is not joining my new staff. I have informed her several times that her marinated pork butt runs through MY butt faster than the bulls in Pamplona, but nnnoooOOOOooo, she thinks it’s all in my mind …
2/20/13
Dear Diary; Heard through the grapevine that they weren’t gonna stock my new bar. Turds… I fixed things by calling the stupid liquor store myself. Pretty easy stuff once I figured out you had to dial a 9 to get an outside line. Offered the delivery folks a few autographed photos and gave them the …
2/19/13
Dear Diary; This morning, I ordered a Hoveround Power Chair for the new place. They’re giving me a bigass discount if I write a testimonial! Cardinal ‘Frankie’ diFranco has kindly offered to bless it for me. This is gonna be lots more fun than that motorized platform they’ve been pushing me around on for the …