A few favorites…

Almost Retired… Retirement Day! My New iPhone A New Hope – er, Pope First Meeting with Jorge Pope in Training Pope Apps Papal Will Why I Wanna Be Pope My Resume My Interview with Modern Catholic Magazine

6/16

Dear Diary: This morning, I read in the newspaper* that Jorge is gonna make a speech this week about his views on global warming. Which made me laugh out loud and spew my Apple-Peach Cream of Rice all over Monsignor Alonso Escudero Villanueva Esperanzadozza Cortés – who we call Eddy because no one can remember that fuckin’ …

5/26

Dear Diary; Now that they’ve finally restored my online diary and given me back my password, I can catch up on a few things… Why did it take so long to get my password back? It all started when Jorge and I wagered on who would win the World Cup match. If Germany won, he reluctantly …

9/10

THINGS I GOTTA DO THIS WEEK, when not I’m praying or doing other funner stuff: Bless new batch of garbanzo-bean rosaries for shipping. Send box of laminated, three-D, autographed Papal Prayer cards to the Sisters of the Holy Order of the Resurrection of Mercy of the Blessed Sacrament of Jesus, Inc. Poop (actually, this should …

8/15

TO: Publisher, Modern Catholic Magazine FM: His Holiness Benedict XVI, Pope-Emeritus (call me Benny) DT: August 10, 2013 RE: Responses to Your List of Frequently Asked Questions for Upcoming Article How do you explain the concept of the Holy Trinity? I tell people that it’s kinda like Bruce Wayne and Batman: they’re actually the same guy …

7/27

TO BE STORED WITH MY PAPERS IN THE PAPAL ARCHIVES: My professional resume. Recently updated. Annotated version. RESUME FOR JOSEPH ALOISIUS (Benny) RATZINGER Suite 316c, Mater Ecclesiae Monastery, Vatican City, Rome, Italy GOAL: seeking part-time opportunities that require minimal physical exertion and offer kickass health benefits. Preferences include gift wrapper, Papal fashion commentator, video editor, Starbucks …

7/6

TO BE STORED WITH MY PAPERS IN THE PAPAL ARCHIVES: Although the public is not privvy to it, lots goes on during the Enclave before that final round of Papal elections. Several activities, intended to determine the most suitable candidates for the Highest Office in the Holy Church, are employed. When the swimsuit competition was …

7/2/13

Dear Diary; Not feeling too swell these days. Sister Juanita insists it’s all the cheese I’ve been eating, but I’m thinking it’s just my life winding down. I dunno, maybe it is the cheese… Either way, I gotta start making some arrangements and writing things down. Just in case. So here’s my initial list. Juanita …

6/6/13

Dear Diary; Things sure are better now that Jorge’s relying on his administrators, who have been telling him all along to leave everything to them. Which he should… makes things easier and gives him more time for Words with Friends. Heck, when I ran the place, I practically never ran the place! I just showed up …

5/21/13

Dear Diary; Having my own iPhone app made. People will be able to use it to send me prayer requests – for a few Euros each, of course. Pet requests would be extra, especially for cats. (I hate cats). After I pay that cocky little shit of a developer, it’ll hopefully bring in enough denaro …