Dear Diary; This place stinks the big one. More rules than a freakin’ Turkish prison. Yesterday, I ordered chinese take-out and was told that ‘deliveries beyond gates of the Vatican are not permitted.’ Last night, I wanted to watch the director’s cut of The Godfather (that James Caan is such a hottie!), but was informed …
Category Archives: General
5/10/13
Dear Diary; Still ironing out the kinks here in Vatican City. This week’s debacle: the mail room keeps getting my shit all mixed up with Jorge’s… Yesterday, he got my TV Guide and George Foreman grill and I got his Highlights magazine. Along with his electric bill, and a small package in plain brown wrapping marked PRIVATE, …
5/7/13
Dear Diary; Not sure if this living so close to the main office is gonna work out after all. Since I’ve moved in, Jorge’s been showing up for dinner. Every freaking night. The kitchen staff’s now automatically adding a place setting for him. It’s really starting to piss me off. No shit – the ass …
5/6/13
Dear Diary; MAN – I freaking LOVE being here!! Some tweaks are still needed; I can’t figure out where they unpacked my good pajamas, and the hot-tub jets are turned up so high I think my balls are gonna get blown off. But for the most part I’m happy as a clam in shit. Or …
5/3/13
Dear Diary; Thought I was gonna die before those shit-for-balls contractors finished, but here I finally am in my new home. Halla-fuckin-loo-yah! It totally rocks too. The Sleep Number bed arrived, the bar’s stocked with the good shit, the hot tub’s open, and they transformed one of the extra libraries into a craft room for …
4/8/13
Dear Diary; Taking online poetry classes. So far, I’ve written three Haikus: THAT JOB SUCKED “You don’t quit: you die!” So I faked sick and retired. I got you, asswipes! RETIREMENT No Starbucks near here. They won’t open the hot tub. This sucks donkey balls. GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE When will you be …
4/5/13
Dear Diary; Getting all kinds of shit about my expenses. They’re refusing to reimburse me for my Sleep Number bed, and keep switching my Hornitos orders to a well brand (fuckers!). Now they want me to return my HoverRound chair because ‘the Vatican does not provide product endorsements.’ Right – like that designer Holy Water …
4/3/13
Dear Diary; Bored. Counting-my-teeth bored. Made a set of rosary beads today from leftover garbanzo beans I’ve been saving; they don’t look all that bad. Thinking about selling them on eBay (I’d even bless them for extra $$$) – or trading them for a Keurig (still no freaking clue why there’s no Starbucks around here)… …
4/2/13
Dear Diary; Fun April Fools stuff going on here yesterday. Monsignor Flores covered the confessional kneelers with super glue, which sent screams of both terror and delight throughout the chapel all morning. And Sister Carla Mae replaced the leftover Easter candy with laxatives – which woulda been hysterical if I hadn’t grabbed a handful right …
3/30/13
Dear Diary; Getting pretty pissed off at the contractors working on my house. Every fucking time I ask when they’re gonna be finished, all I get is “due settimane Santo Padre…” Two weeks my ass. In which alternate timeline? At this rate, I’m gonna die before I get to live there. Meanwhile, they’re planning an …