Dear Diary; The sisters woke up early this morning all excited about their Saint Patrick’s Day present: a green tee shirt that reads, KISS ME I’M IRISH. Seriously??? First off, I’m not Irish, you stupid bitches. Second, I ain’t gonna wear it (polyester blends makes me itchy). Third, no one gives St. Patrick’s day presents; …
Author Archives: adminsuz
3/16/13
Dear Diary; Apparently, the liquor cabinet key I left behind doesn’t work. Turns out I inadvertently left them the key to my locker at the Club. Explains why I can’t find my swimming trunks anywhere… Anyhow, my secretary is driving it over this morning. Speaking of swimming trunks, they finally opened the pool here. Thank …
3/15/13
Dear Diary; Spent a few hours this morning on Skype with Jorge. Gave him the password to the Twitter account, told him about jiggling the toilet handle a few times, made sure he knew about Mother Angioletta’s bad ear (she can’t hear for shit on her left side), warned him to stay the hell away …
3/14/13
Dear Diary; On the phone most of the night with the cardinals getting all the skinny. Angelo claims he’s pretty happy he didn’t get in… says it would have clashed with his upcoming book tour (I think the real reason is he knows he looks like shit in white). Anyhow, he says the votes were …
3/13/13, parte seconda
Dear Diary; JORGE!!!!! Holy shit – who freaking knew!!!! Thought he’d mentioned no longer being interested in the big seat. Two-faced ass. Wish I’d known: that $75 EU I placed on Angelo at Vegas would have paid back over $2000 if I’d put it all on Jorge. Hot damn, that’s a whole lotta margaritas… He …
3/13/13
Dear Diary; Can’t believe all the mail I’ve been receiving. (I also can’t believe people still remember how to place a freaking stamp on an envelope.) So many letters!! The highlights so far: Oprah wants an exclusive interview (no), Mel Gibson wants an appointment for confession (fuck, no), and Dennis Rodman wants to stop in …
3/12/13
Dear Diary; Suddenly realizing that, without the mitre and vestments, folks just don’t recognize me as the Pope Emeritus. In fact, while attending Sister Angelita’s Wild About Wimples demonstration this weekend, I actually wore a HELLO MY NAME IS badge. People had to get a good, long look before they realized it was me in the ball …
3/11/13
Dear Diary; Getting involved in the classes and activities here. The morning Zumba classes led by Sister Mary Mary (you can never have enough Marys) get me going (literally), and Thursday night Bingo is jam-packed. I think it’s the free Chex party mix and Vodka chasers… Anyhow, I created a beautiful candy dish this weekend, …
3/7/13
Dear Diary; Lots of calls about product endorsements! Seriously considering some… that PICK A POPE mobile app sounds pretty fun, and the KEEP CALM AND SAY TEN HAIL MARY’S shirt is a freaking riot! I also gave the go-ahead for this year’s Bene-Blanc, a dry white that will be added to the line of Vatican Vino …
3/5/13
Dear Diary; Dying to know how the meetings are going. Feeling so out of touch! Yesterday I asked Rafaello, the custode who cleans my rooms, to use his connections and find out what’s been happening. Well, I think he got a bit over zealous because he left yesterday morning with one of my old vestments under …