Dear Diary;
On the phone most of the night with the cardinals getting all the skinny. Angelo claims he’s pretty happy he didn’t get in… says it would have clashed with his upcoming book tour (I think the real reason is he knows he looks like shit in white).

Anyhow, he says the votes were going pretty well until Cardinal Dolan started screaming about everyone there being such gringophobics (freaking New Yorkers…). So after Cardinal Betori Googled the definition of gringophobia, the whole place erupted in a fighting mob. Angie says they were swearing like Teamsters – Madre di Cristo, that must have been something! Apparently, Cardinal O’Malley punched the shit outta that cardinal from Sydney (those Irish sure can hit!), while Cardinal Tagle ran like a little girl straight to the WC (he’s pretty tiny and has a nervous bladder…). Dolan’s such a holier-than-thou turd. Probably thought he had a chance at the big chair. Arrogant Americans.

Once it was over and they found a vestment that would fit Jorge (he has a pretty big ass), they tossed him out on the balcony for his debut performance and then called for takeout from Olive Garden. And after the third round of Jello shots, everyone was all I love you, man! and finally made up. Then they finished off the Doritos, updated their Twitter accounts, said their evening prayers and trotted off to bed.

Honest to shit, it’s like tucking in teenagers…