Dear Diary;
Can’t believe all the mail I’ve been receiving. (I also can’t believe people still remember how to place a freaking stamp on an envelope.) So many letters!! The highlights so far: Oprah wants an exclusive interview (no), Mel Gibson wants an appointment for confession (fuck, no), and Dennis Rodman wants to stop in en route to Pyongyang to ‘hang with my new homeboy’ (holy crap, are you kidding me??!).

The biggest surprise was an autographed photo of Queen Elizabeth with an attached note that reads, ‘Heard you were retiring. You’re such a pussy. Love E.R.’

Mother Carlotta is searching online to find the perfect frame for it.