TO: Publisher, Modern Catholic Magazine
FM: His Holiness Benedict XVI, Pope-Emeritus (call me Benny)
DT: August 10, 2013
RE: Responses to Your List of Frequently Asked Questions for Upcoming Article
How do you explain the concept of the Holy Trinity?
I tell people that it’s kinda like Bruce Wayne and Batman: they’re actually the same guy who fight for the same causes, but they can never be seen together. (Hope that wasn’t a spoiler for your readers…)
Is it true that Catholic priests have supernatural powers?
All priests have the power to change bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ and to forgive sins in the Sacrament of Confession – but that’s pretty much it. Over the years, a few priests have sworn to posess actual super powers, but it’s always ended up being bullshit.
Always??
Most of the time. Father McIntosh of Dublin, for example, repeatedly claims to own a Holy Garment that renders him impervious to bullets – but it’s really just a Friday-casual cassock that’s riddled with moth holes… then there’s Archbishop Monetta of Tivoli who tells everyone that Saint Baldred of Tyninghame speaks directly to him – but we discovered later that it was only the parish cat. So we had him put down.
The cat?
No – Archbishop Monetta.
Pertaining to your Papacy, what’s your biggest regret?
When I left office, Disney wanted to make a commercial. You know how they go: Pope Benedict, you just announced your retirement from the Holy Throne of Saint Peter – what are ya gonna do now? But I thought it would be tacky, so I turned them down. Which really sucks, because It woulda been a freaking riot to sit in the lead car with Mickey Mouse for the Main Street parade.
What do you believe are the biggest concerns for Modern-Day Catholics?
Lots of people would insist that it’s the sex abuse scandal, or the Holy Church’s view on the role of women – both of which I know we gotta do something about one of these days.
Sure, but what about your biggest concern while you were in charge?
Mostly, it was chafing.
Do you think the Catholic Church should change its stance on gay marriage and same-sex relationships?
YES.
Could you elaborate on this?
Certainly: FUCK, YES.
How do you think your successor is doing?
Well, he really pissed off the Housekeeping staff by insisting on folding his own laundry, and he’s still showing up at my place unannounced and expecting dinner, but for the most part I think Jorge’s doing okay. I’d like to see him dress a bit better on formal occasions, but unfortunately the official Papal wardrobe is way too small for that fat ass of his…
What do you believe was the highlight of your Papacy?
I think that history will reveal that the highlight of my time on the throne was continuing the mission of my predecessor, John Paul II, to restore the divine dignity of the Eucharist by renewing the celebration of Mass and encouraging adoration of the Sacrament. But if you ask me, the real highlight was when I had lunch with George Clooney.
Is he really that hot looking in real life?
Oh my, yes! Honestly, I swooned…