Papal Place

Dear Diary;
They installed the wrong damned tile in the master bathroom. Can you freaking believe it? I specifically selected the Tumbled Travertine Tile in Tuscany Walnut, and those fuckshits laid down tumbled marble. I’ve spent the past thirty years walking around on marble… don’t they know I am soooooo done with marble?? I should have listened to ArchBishop Marietta and read the reviews on Angie’s list before hiring these guys. I’ll get them back though: it’s gonna take 4,267 Hail Mary’s for them to move past this sin.

Dear Diary;
Everyone’s sending me retirement gifts! Gotta get the word out that I don’t need any more OLD GUYS RULE coffee mugs.  And I’m not a tee-shirt person, but the TOO POOPED TO POPE shirt from Sister Mary Josephine is a freaking riot.

So far, though, my favorite present of all was the singing stripper from Cardinal diFranco. Man, was that a surprise – I looked up from my morning benediction (always loved that it’s called that!) and there she was, twirling my ferula to the tune of Take This Job and Shove It. The Holy See gathered around to watch and the housekeeping staff all sang along… I laughed so hard, I farted!

Eleven more days – getting antsy!!!

Dear Diary;
Just realized that tomorrow will be my last working Sunday. Trying to decide whether eBay or Craig’s List is a good place to sell my vestments…

Speaking of which, the producers at Queer Eye for the Straight Guy read my post for yesterday and want to help select my new clothes. We tape in late March. I’ll trawl Walmart incognito for some Friday-casual to tie me over until then.

Gotta go finish catching up on my Downton. That Thomas is such a hottie…

Dear Diary;
Cleaning out my closet and suddenly realizing that I have no Friday-casual. It’s all formal vestments and stoles – BLECH!  Spending the day shopping online for a new chill-out wardrobe. Seriously considering yoga pants…

The mitres have gotta go as well, so I bought a new hat that reads SO LONG TENSION, HELLO PENSION. Which is great timing, since the HR folks have finally stepped up to the plate with a decent settlement package. (They actually thought I’d buy the whole ‘pension vs. pensione’ argument. Pulleeeze – do I look like I just fell of the freaking pizza wagon??)

Speaking of the pensione, they’re installing the jacuzzi and wet bar today. Thirteen more days… Damn, this is gonna be fun!

Dear Diary;
Just found out I was never signed up for the Vatican Pension Program. Turns out they all thought I’d die in my bed. Getting together with Human Resources this morning to iron out a settlement. I don’t think they want me talking to the press about this fuckup.
T-minus fourteen and counting…

Dear Diary;
Got a peek at my new retirement home today.
The man cave has 600 satellite channels, but no on-demand flicks. What a bunch of ass wipes… I’ll call the dish guys when I’m settled in.
Fifteen more days!

Dear Diary;
Spent today purchasing a pole on Amazon and googling for fishing cruises along the Mediterranean. What the Hay – it was good enough for St. Pete…
Only sixteen more days!

Dear Diary;
I can see my new house from here! They’re taking me over tomorrow for a tour. I gave them my wish list a few months back. Man cave, walk-in closet, indoor bocce court, sleep number bed…That screwball contractor’s got seventeen days to finish it all or I’m sending him straight to hell.

Dear Diary;
I finally did it – I quit! Turned in the resignation this morning. Shocked the shit outta them all. Well, actually they’ve known about it for months. Some of them, at least.  But the rest were freaking floored. You shoulda seen their faces!

As there wasn’t a policy in place for papal resignation, they merely accepted my form letter and added it to my personnel file. I gave them three weeks’ notice – more than fair considering my position – and we’ll have some time for the transition. I’ll also be right around the corner in my new retirement digs to help the new guy get settled. Of course, I’ll expect a small stipend for that assistance…

Retirement, here I come!