Dear Diary:
This morning, I read in the newspaper* that Jorge is gonna make a speech this week about his views on global warming. Which made me laugh out loud and spew my Apple-Peach Cream of Rice all over Monsignor Alonso Escudero Villanueva Esperanzadozza Cortés – who we call Eddy because no one can remember that fuckin’ long name of his.
Anyhow, it made me laugh because just the other night at my place while we were binge-watching season 2 of Big Ang, Jorge didn’t even know what the hell global warming was. Benny, he asks me, what’s all the fuss everyone’s making about global warming? I didn’t want to tell him that I didn’t know anything about it either, so I said to him HEY! what the fuck do I look like – Google? You’ve got staff, for crap’s sake: make them write up something and quit pressing the damn PAUSE button every time you’ve got a question!
I’m telling you, the guy’s got a question every five minutes. Benny: should I consider expanding the role of women in the Church? Benny, do you think I should issue a statement about the immigrants in Italy? Benny, should I pack some cookies for my trip to South Korea? Benny, when you were running the place, what did you do about chafing? Benny, should I have the French fries or baked potato with dinner? Benny, how much should I put in the tip envelope for the house maid? Honestly, it’s amazing he doesn’t need help wiping himself…
*By the way, I don’t actually read the newspapers these days; they pay Sister Rosita Carmella to read them to me. But I’d get bored listening and nod off, and Management knows that Jorge is coming over here for advice so they want me to stay on top of all that bullshit. Now Rosita reads them to me in a whole bunch of different accents. Which makes it shitloads more fun (her Arnold Schwarzenegger is a dead ringer, I’m telling ya!). It sometimes causes problems though: last month, she used an uncanny Nicholas Cage voice to read me a piece about the Chinese building an island in the South China Sea, and I got my wires crossed and mistakenly told Jorge that it had something to do with a hijacked plane of angelic prisoners who were looking for buried treasure in Washington DC. (Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a complete mistake…) Anyhow, it’s a good thing he went to his own staff about the global-warming crap…