TO BE STORED WITH MY PAPERS IN THE PAPAL ARCHIVES:
My professional resume. Recently updated. Annotated version.
RESUME FOR JOSEPH ALOISIUS (Benny) RATZINGER
Suite 316c, Mater Ecclesiae Monastery, Vatican City, Rome, Italy
GOAL: seeking part-time opportunities that require minimal physical exertion and offer kickass health benefits. Preferences include gift wrapper, Papal fashion commentator, video editor, Starbucks barista (Vatican branch only, please) or anything to do with social media. Willing to relocate if necessary, to either Fiji or Disney World (only the Orlando one: espcially the Germany or Italy pavillions). Flexible hours a must. Will not consider anything where I need to wear polyester (it makes me itchy) or work with clowns (they scare the shit outta me).
SKILLS: extensively experienced in Catholic dogma. Proven success in speech coaching and fiber optics. Good with children. Snappy dresser. Great with budget oversight, motivating teams and organizing shit. Proficient with Powerpoint and Cobol.
PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE:
POPE EMERITUS, 2013 – present
Mostly involves consulting, playing Words with Friends, preparing my own funeral and hanging out.
SELF EMPLOYED, 2013 – present
Etsy shop selling hand crafted rosary beads made of garbanzo beans.
POPE, 2005–13
Extensive travel for public appearances while making speeches, wearing kickass clothes and signing my name to other people’s shit. Also catalogued large Library of art.
CARDINAL BISHOP OF VELLETRI-SEGNI, DEAN, COLLEGE OF CARDINALS, 1993-2005
Managed large team, wrote papers, prepared Powerpoint presentations.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR AND OTHER PRIEST-RELATED JOBS, 1958-1993
Positions held included Prefect of the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Archbishop of Munich and Freising, Chair in Dogmatic Theology at the University of Tübingen, blah blah blah…
ANTI-AIRCRAFT CORPS, LUFTWAFFENHELFER, 1943-1945
Built things, marched around… stuff like that.
DOG WALKER, PAPERBOY, 1941-1943
BOOKS AND PAPERS: over 42 papers, 66 books, three encyclicals and two apostolic exhortations under the name His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI. Four paperbacks under the pen name Pansy Diddlebottom (Kindle versions also available).
INTERESTS: carpentry (wow – just like Jesus!), papal commemorative coins, napkin folding, lesbian porn and Asian cooking (specialty: beans and legumes).
REFERENCES: furnished upon request.